The John Report: The Raw Deal for 12/07/09 (Cena/Sheamus Confrontation)Live from Dallas, Texas this is the Raw Deal.No "in memory of Umaga" at all. Maybe it will be on Smackdown. I'm not sure why it wasn't here. He was loved by a lot of people in the company and I'm sure it was hard for a lot of them to work this show, or any show they had to do this weekend.Guest host Mark Cuban came out. I'm a huge sports fan, always thought highly of him as an owner of the Dallas Mavericks. He really cares about his team (maybe too much) and wants to win. Have to like that. He has a lot of enthusiasm for WWE and it shows. He ran down what was going to happen in the show as it led to our first match.<!--more-->John Cena d. Carlito (*1/4)You know it's bad for Carlito when I'm getting emails from people after the show saying they were happy with how he was used. The guy lost in three minutes after there was interference. That's good? Ouch for Carlito. Sheamus came out, distracted Cena for a bit and Carlito ate an AA for the loss. Way to reward him for cutting a great promo last week.Next week's Raw is the three hour Slammy Awards show with Dennis Miller, a comedian I like, as the host. Earlier in the day you will read the Johnny Awards column and hopefully WWE will too so they know who to give the awards to. Hint: One of the awards should go to the diva with the last name of Canton.Randy Orton, his voices, Cody Rhodes & Ted "so much for the heel turn because everybody on the internet knew about it" Dibiase came out to stir up shit. They referenced Orton giving Cuban the RKO six years ago. I remember that. Surprised that WWE did. They did some trash talking back and forth, so Cubes set up Orton vs. Kingston tonight with him as the ref. Cody wanted to wrestle Cuban. Mark said no, after the Mavericks win the NBA finals. If he said Lakers there it would have made more sense. Dallas isn't winning shit. Way to pay Erick Dampier instead of Steve Nash, by the way. I assume this means they're going back to the Dallas area in June or later and they might have Cuban in a match. I'm not sure though. Tonight, he's going to punish them. With what? Wait for it…Cody Rhodes & Ted Dibiase d. Primo & Evan Bourne (*)Way to punish them, Cuban. Put them in a match against the two guys that lose all the time for three minutes. You showed them. Bourne flashed his enormous potential before losing to Dibiase. Remember when Legacy made DX submit? How'd that help them? Oh right, they then got destroyed by DX and have done nothing since. Way to elevate the young stars.They showed videos all night showing how Sheamus has dominated since coming to Raw. No references to the Goldust feud in ECW? ECW, what's that?Maryse d. Gail Kim (1/4*)Kelly Kelly was the guest ring announcers. "From Montreal, Quebec…Maurice!" That's what is sounded like. Don't quit your day job, Kelly. What's her day job anyway? I don't know. When I look at her I don't care either. Maryse won with feet on the ropes. The ref did one of the worst jobs of trying to miss the feet on the ropes because he was looking right at them as he hit the three. Even Cole ripped him for it. When you get ripped by Cole for something you know you fucked up. I hope Gail Kim left TNA only for money because the way WWE doesn't use her pisses me off. I hope she's paid well at least. After the match, Melina chased Maryse away. Can't botch a move doing that.The DX boys did a skit. Mostly a miss. Basically, they shilled their DX merch. I haven't bought wrestling clothes since probably 1997 when I got an Austin shirt. Of course, everybody had one of those "Austin 3:16" shirts. Horny came out of the box that HHH was giving Shawn. Hunter was stunned that he was there. What an actor. Horny was wearing his new DX shirt with himself paired up with them. This feud is worse than Chavo vs. Horny, officially. At least they did midget court. The only really funny thing in the seg was HHH and Shawn going into some Star Wars thing, then fucking up the lines and taking papers out of their pocket to throw at some nerd nearby. Their way of saying it was a stupid writing segment. Can anybody else in the company make fun of writers? Of course not. It's not the DX way. It's the "sleeping with the boss' daughter" way. After all this, Horny climbed the top of the Christmas Tree and fell on top of it onto them. Hunter sold for that more than he sells for most things in his matches.Kofi Kingston d. Randy Orton (**)Cuban was the ref. I'll admit I wasn't a huge fan of giving the match away for free two weeks in a row, but I think they booked it creatively last week much like this week. Orton got a cheap win after his boys beat up Kofi and now Kofi got his win after Cuban did the fast count on Orton to get him back from six years ago. I am excited for the PPV match because I hope it gets 20 minutes and blows everything out of the water. Getting only five minutes on TV is disappointing, but like I said they booked it smartly. It'd be stupid to give away a full blown match of the best feud in the company for free.In promoting the Sheamus/Cena confrontation later, King called him John Sheamus.US Title: The Miz d. Mark Henry (1/2*)Mr. Kool-Aid won last week, so of course he lost this week with the title on the line. That's how WWE loves to book these things. Henry lost in about three minutes. Are all the three minute matches a tribute to 3 Minute Warning member, the late Eddie Fatu? I doubt it. Thanks for not putting this match on PPV. I appreciate that. Thanks also for not killing time with Mark Henry segments. By the way, I love how Henry's shot at the US title is an "opportunity of a lifetime." The guy has worked for WWE for 12 years. Please get The Miz a real feud now.Hornswoggle & Eve d. Chavo & Jillian (-*)Do I have to even say anything? Look at the bolded part. That's enough. Masters came out to protect Horny & Eve. Chavo shoved him in the chest and he busted out the TITTY DANCE~! to the delight of the crowd. Post match, Horny did his own version of it although he used his hands. I feel like less of a person for writing about a midget doing a titty dance, for the record.My man Jericho came out. Typical great promo. Troglodyte is such a fantastic word. Calling the tables "oak" is like calling Mark Henry talented. Just not true. I feel like I've written about his greatness before and I'm in a rush, so let's get to the match. Did I just write more about the titty dance than a Jericho promo? What's wrong with me?DX vs. Jericho had no decisionThe match they spent all week hyping got, yep, about four minutes. Amazing. Show came out, they had a brawl using the tables, ladders and chairs with Big Show KNOCKING THE FUCK OUT of HHH with the help of a chair. They used the ladder to sandwich them too. Nice beating for Jerishow although this pretty much secures the DX win because of my "get beat up on TV, win on PPV" theory that I have used for years.The Cena/Sheamus DebateSheamus spoke. Cena did the no comment thing before going into his "be quiet for a bit and then erupt like a volcano" routine that he always does. They shoved the tables out. I really thought this did a great job of continuing to build Sheamus up as a badass. Sheamus shoved Cuban, then kicked Cena in the head. Cuban shoving Sheamus wasn't something I liked, but they redeemed that with a sick table spot. Cubes is crazy for taking that. It should be noted that Cena sold two kicks to the head more than he sold almost being exploded in the Ironman match, which pisses me off for consistency sake. The show ended with Sheamus walking up the aisle while Cena huddled over Cuban to see if he was alright.I can't wait for Cuban vs. Sheamus now. Oh, you mean it's Cena vs. Sheamus? That's nice to know. Don't worry, fans. In six years Mark Cuban will get Sheamus back too. You wait!Three Stars of the Show1. Sheamus2. Mark Cuban3. Chris JerichoRating: 5 (out of 10)Last week: 4.5An average Raw again. The last two were pretty average while the two before that were really good. They focused too much on Cuban (who needs to be commended on a good job taking that bump) and not enough on the hot Kingston/Orton feud. I think the three main Raw feuds for TLC are pretty good with Cena/Sheamus promising a physical match, the DX/Jerishow match being pretty heated and Orton/Kingston although it has cooled a bit by giving the match away twice with screwy finishes. As always, I wish there was more actual wrestling. Also, no Santino? What a letdown.Here's the poll where you can vote for the star of the night. Last week's winner was Maryse.Who was the Raw star of the night for 12/07/09?(polls)
If you don't see it, click
here for the direct link to vote.------------Thoughts from the Facebook friends aka CommentFestHere are some random thoughts from some of my facebook friends (just head to Facebook.com/thejohnreport
) after I asked for some comments about the show. The comments in green are from the CommentFest while my comments, which will usually be sarcastic, will follow in the brackets when necessary.lllllllllllllladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, facebookers of all ages. The legendary John Canton proudly brings to you his MOTHER FUCKING FESTIVAL OF COMMENTSSSSSSSSS hopefully without midgets, hopefully with MJC, featured in THE... RAW... DEAL!
(I kinda like that intro.)Hey, look, it's an egotistical billionaire that owns a team of large athletic men that used to be great but are now years past their prime. No, not Vince McMahon...Mark Cuban!Michael Cole=Vintage Raw Host Ass Kisser.By gosh... I wish I didn't see him... cue Carlito...God, I wish Brock Lensar was still in the WWE so he can F5 Cena back to Massachusetts...HOLY CRAP ITS CARLITO!!!!Offense from Carlito...whats this world coming to?!
(It's not like it was a lot of offense.)This Cena guy doesn't live hard or sell hard. (Thanks for posting Jeremy Piven)
(That movie bombed faster than Jeremy Piven's guest hosting of Raw.)John Cena claims "You can't see me" but can he see why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch?Well, that backstabber was doomed from the start, seeing as how Carlito leapt onto Cena's arm and all.John the WWE needs you to finish your Johnny Awards so they know who to give the Slammy's too...
(Next Monday morning, so they know who to give the awards to. Thanks for posting, Vince McMahon.)DENNIS MOTHAFUCKIN MILLER!!!...........I thought he was dead.....Great... three hours of Dennis Miller... man and I thought it couldn't get any whiter than Sheamus...Can you imagine a promo between Jericho and Dennis Miller?!? I am going to need a thesaurus.....
(Jericho will never be on Raw again if he loses at TLC. Except next week when everybody on all three brands are there.)Orton looking longingly into my cat's eyes....
(Hey, it's that guy that has the cat that has the staring contests with Orton.)Ah, Orton and his lackies are out... that reminds me, I need to start looking for a "winter tanning package."Dennis Miller ...WTH... Larry David would have been a better host specially if he had Leon with him hell yeah that would be pretty pretty pretty good show!
(He would own Orton in the staring contests, too. Nobody can match Larry.)Holy shit, 6 years ago and people still remember it?Hmmm...Orton was much more orange...I mean tan...in 2003.9:19 PM.....Cuban blames the refs.
(He should. The Heat stole the 2006 NBA Finals. 90 FT's for DWade in 6 games? That's bullshit. Yes, I bet on the Mavs in that series. I always have ulterior motives.)Mark Cuban should star in the next Revenge of the Nerds film...That's how guest hosts punish people they don't like...make them fight jobbers.
("I'll show you guys. Try to beat Primo and Evan! Yeah! I mean shit. I'm a dumbass." That was me quoting Cuban.)Hey, if they do make them a team, can they call them Prime Air?
(That or Lose A Lot.)Michael Cole tells us this is a rematch from Superstars. I guess Cole is the only person who watches that show. That's why we all didn't know that.Both Carlito and Primo losing within the first 30 minutes, remember when those two guys were the tag champions? Yeah, me neither.7:30 Mountain Time; Sign of the Year: Yay Heels!Two singles wrestlers that usually never win vs. a tag team that usually never wins? I smell a double countout or double dq so they all can job to each other. Then afterwards they could become the new J.O.B Squad. (Thanks for posting Stevie Richards, Blue Meanie, and Nova.)
(Come on Nova, we all know you shined more as Simon Dean.)Ted Dibiase with shades of Cena. Bourne gets all the offense, Ted hits his finisher and it's done. Maybe it has something to do with the Marine set...Oh, no! They were EJECTED!! The horror. The horror.At least Kelly Kelly is better than Eve at this. My ears are still bleeding from her announcing.
(She did introduce us to Maurice after all.)Where's the Kelly Kelly Guy?Cue Crazy Crazy...
(See that? I'm building fans for you, Crazy Crazy.)John has Mickie covered (literally), there's a Kelly Kelly guy, there's a Jillian guy...Maryse needs one so.....MARYSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(I dunno. She is on my banner. And if Mickie leaves she's my favorite. My commentfest. My rules.)I need a wetnap for Maryse.Now that Mickie James-Canton is gone, I'm SOOO glad Maryse is back. And that I can type with one hand.Kelly Kelly Maryse and Gail Kim in the same ring at the same time. God, this is a good night (THANKS FOR POSTING BATISTA).
(Clever, but I would have said thanks for posting, Tiger Woods.)Seriously Michael Cole? Scuttlebutt? Please stop talking...That's one Asian dish I could eat all day.If Gail Kim's vag was that close to my face, I would be screaming too.
(What's amazing is that Gail Kim got like two minutes of screen time and there were so many sexual comments towards her. I'm proud of you, Commentfesters. Damn proud.)So who else is wondering which of the Divas will be the first to admit that she ALSO did Tiger Woods??
(If it's Mickie I riot. I'll go with Kelly Kelly.)OMG! Kelly Kelly is so hot!!
(There's Crazy Crazy! He is quite the wordsmith.)"Mark Cuban is a huge member of the WWE Universe." What the hell does Michael Cole know about huge members?
(That's a really easy answer if you think about it.)So if we are claiming Divas now i call Katie Lea! KATIE! KATIE! KATIE! Wait, where is she?!I love the hulk hogan poster, it feels like they're promoting tna.For some reason I think the funniest thing in the world is when someone turns to the camera and pretends they didn't know it was there. Thus, this DX comedy sketch gets thumbs up from me already.I thought I had the world's Littlest Member.Making fun of the creative team. They must really follow Commentfest.
(No, internet fans ruin wrestling. Just ask HHH.)So Jerishow couldn't get DX down on the ground but Hornswoggle and the tree got both of them down for the three count...WOO HOO SKY SPORTS UK! IM SO PROUD TO BE BRITISH!
(The alcohol is clearly flowing in the UK.)Cole is illiterate. He's just pretending to read along w/ King.I don't know what they taught you at Syracuse, Cole, but THE UK AND IRELAND ARE DIFFERENT FUCKING COUNTRIES. In fact, the Irish hate the English. God, you are such a fucking idiot.Randy is "walking" to the ring again... i think I have time to make a drink (or six).Has anyone ever noticed that Sheamus has a particularly light shade of skin? I haven't seen that mentioned much."This is the Kofi I don't think any of us knew existed"... that's because he wasn't being pushed, King.Yeah, I bet Mark Cuban lays awake at night, wishing he could be Earl Hebner.
(Or Mike Chioda. I once had a few beers with Chioda and Jimmy Korderas once. Good guys.)Damn that was a fast count...if you're gonna screw someone thats how you do it...Cuban gets an A+ for that.Kofi vs. Randy at TLC is worth the price of the PPV... that match better get 20 minutes... screw the gimmick matches...Actually liking this build, with both guys winning under dubious circumstances leading to a rubber match at a pay-per-view... alright, who the hell kidnapped the creative team?
(I was wearing a mask. I'm cool, don't worry.)Mark did you really have to point @ the shirt to remind Orton you're the ref?? Seriously, you should just flash some cash and a shirt that says "I own that too."King just said John Cena will face off with John Sheamus...I smell an MVP heel turn; I'm calling it!!!
(Are you crazy? His career is taking off as the manager of Mr. Kool-Aid.)Mark Henry won the ECW Championship...and getting a shot against the US Title is 'the opportunity of a lifetime'. Way to sell ECW, Vince.Not even half over and WORST RAW EVER!!!!!!!! good to know they are taking this TNA thing seriously and bringing their A-Game on monday nights now....Is wondering if Mark took a quick hit out of a crack-pipe before that fast count....Never the less, good night so far.WSM = Will Swallow Midgets...
(I approve.)'Somebody gon' get their lunch eaten, somebody gon' hear some shitty rapping, 'somebody gon' get me some kool-aid.'
(Catchy tune.)SOMEBODY GONNA GET SOME KOOLAID! SOMEBODY GONNA GET THEY THIRST QUENCHED!Mark Henry reminds me of this guy from the attitude era who called himself "Sexual Chocolat". oh wait.........
(Stealing my "oh wait" jokes are okay for comedic purposes, for the record. I am giving like that. Like Santa, except not gay. What do you think he has elves for?)What flavor do you think Mark Henry is? I vote for Mountainberry Punch.
(I don't want to know. I really don't.)What happened to Jack Swagger?
(Trying to figure out what gym Triple H trains at.)Chavo and Jillian don't even get entrances anymore? Sad.CHAVOWOGGLE IS BACK!!!!
(One person. One sick, twisted person.)I would love for Eve to do the Master funbag bounce...Wow Hornswoggle won without even getting in the ring. He's that good.Dibs on Alicia Fox and Gail Kim. I likes em ethnic.
(Thanks for posting, yep, Tiger Woods.)THE DANCING TITTIES ARE BACK!
(Getting excited about a man's boob dance. Another sick, twisted person.)This Masters/Eve/Hornswoggle vs. Chavo thing is funnier than any 'comedy' promo they've done all night.Masters is Pec-ing up!Chris Masters.... BILLBOARD for hair replacement... If I get that done, will MY boobs dance?
(Okay, I really LOL'd at that one. And the answer is yes.)Seriously, is that Masters way of Hulking up!?? "touch my titty? *shakes tit* "AAHHHH MASTERLOCK."That relationship between Eve and Masters would be purely based on breasts.God forgive me for using logic while watching Raw, but didn't Chavo save Hornswoggle from the Masterlock a few weeks back....
(It's back on for WrestleMania now.)STOP USING YOUR BRAIN WHEN WATCHING RAW YOU FOOLS!
(I've been writing it for years, but thanks for posting, Vince McMahon)Best Segment of 2009 on RAW! My girl Eve, wins her 1st match on RAW! w00tness! We got mexicans throwing midgets. Masters doing the boobie dance, and the Master-lock. Then Hornbuckler going crazy with the DX chops and his own version of the boobie dance!
(This guy makes it because he supports my cause of getting Mickie James-Canton to acknowledge me on Twitter. I do not, however, share his enthusiasm for this.)Does anyone else think it would be hilarious if Santino asked Mark Cuban for some cigars?
(Surprised a bad joke like that didn't happen, actually.)Cole is annoucning to the crowd! Why the fuck do you think people buy tickets, Vince?? So they don't hear Cole!I DON'T LIKE MICHAEL COLE.Jericho on the microphone = everybody takes a moment to reflect in the glory that is Y2J!Fuck 2008. Jericho is Superstar of the Decade. Hands down.I think that when John lists the stars of the night, he needs to put the fans that held up the "Jericho sucks" signs behind him. That was classic.
(No, I hate the fans. Unless they read my column. Or boo HHH.)Solid oak tables Chris? Really? Don't play us for fools.
(Thanks for posting, birch tables. Not funny? Fine. Let's move on.)Trogoldite 4 LIFE!
(It's spelled troglodyte, really. I educate people like Jericho does.)Forget the Slammys, didn't John Canton already award Jericho the Superstar of 2009 during the roster evaluation.......keep up Vince.
(I love devoted readers.)Troglodyte: 1 : a member of any of various peoples (as in antiquity) who lived or were reputed to live chiefly in caves2 : a person characterized by reclusive habits or outmoded or reactionary attitudes.
(The More You Know. Thanks NBC.)Troglodyte may refer to: Caveman, a member of a primitive race or tribe of cave-dwellers. Hermit, who lives in seclusion.
(Geico?)Matt, I think JC already awarded Jericho for 2010 too... I am starting to wonder if there is a blood tie between John and Chris?
(We are both anti-troglodyte.)Jericho! Jericho! Jericho! Jericho! Jericho!..oh yeah F U... HHH I believe HHH is the head creative person now ever since he talked smack about Flair he is on my Cole list..meant Shit list oh yeah same thing.I'll take Chris Jericho in the WWE for $1000, Alex.""Here's the answer. The word Chris Jericho, and only Chris Jericho can use in a WWE promo and make it sound amazing.""What is Troglodyte.""You are correct for $1000, John."
(A Jeopardy reference in Commentfest? Sure.)VINTAGE DX RAVE!!! 10:47.... I AM SO THERE!! ARE YOU READY?? GOT YOUR GLOWSTICKS! HELL BRING THE MIDGETS TOO!!! Is it just me or does Justin Roberts sound like he is about to pass a kidney stone every time he announces some?Ok in all seriousness... John Canton you SOOOOO need to make commentfest for all shows! can anyone imagine a commentfest for Survivor??? "Holy Crap everyone, Russell has the hidden immunity idol AGAIN!!!"
(Ha, is the commentfest.com name registered? This reminds me that I need to make a Survivor post on my blog. I love that show and I am loving this season because of "Stone Cold" Russell.)Now that was a pretty damn good chair shot.HHH just got KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT!!!KTFO!~ Sighting @ 10:50 PM ESTWhy wouldn't Show just walk in and punch them all with the YOU GOT KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT??
(Scroll up to the "stop using your brain" post up above. You're welcome.)NEVER! NEVER! NEVER! NEVER! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVER.Watching RAW with two, non-fan females, I've never been more aware of how sexy Chris Jericho is then I have been after hearing it said every 30 seconds for the entire handicap match.I'm watching it with my wrestling-fan girlfriend and she just said, "Why cant you be more like Chris Jericho?"to which I reply: "Woman, not even Chris Jericho can be more like Chris Jericho. That's how awesome he is."I will bring the Sign....The show tapes the 29th to Air on the 1st...Here's to hoping.....And Mr. Canton, If I am seen, can I get a star of the night?
(Here's a promise: If you bring a commentfest related sign, a John Report sign, a John Canton sign or a Mickie James-Canton sign you're the star of the night automatically. I need to see a screencap though!)Wow it's John Chayna vs. Lameass in a showdown!WHAT no santino. Now i'm madder than hhh losing to a newcomer.Every 20 minutes I forget what the longest running non-episodic cable television show. . . but how can I find out?!?!Remember when that newcomer that beat HHH happened to be Shelton Benjamin??
(Then they realized he was black and de-pushed him.)John Cena just pulled a Sammy Sosa.
(I think he meant to say Mark McGwire with the no comment, but we can still keep this in because Sosa's white like Cena.)So wait, 3 weeks without Vintage. Now 1 week without Santino! Someone get me a needle, I need to start a new addiction.
(Thanks for posting...you know what, you pick a name. There are so many easy ones.)I missed most of the Commentfest, so here's my cheap plug for making John's Report: "vintage", "KTFO", "Troglodyte", "mickie james-canton", "wtf, omg, shut up michael coel"...yep, that might do it.
(Yep, you're in. Somebody tried to do something similar and spelled Mickie's first name wrong. Don't make me delete you. And you get points for spelling Cole's name wrong.)Trying to build yourself with accolades, and you go with Kevin Federline. Fucking Cena.I've been stabbed at a nightclub by a rejected Bodyguard of Carlito...Sheamus should kick Cena right in his dramatic face and end this debate sooner rather than later.
(And he did.)Look, Sheamus pushed down the billionaire, and then Cena... hell even Cuban sells better than Cena...PUT CUBAN THRU THE FUCKIN TABLE!!!
(That was the most excitable person about the table.)WAIT! STOP! I thought Sheamus is a monster? Am i suppose to believe that Cuban can even move him with a push? "ARE YOU USING YOUR BRAIN AGAIN?" I'm sorry Vince I promise it won't happen again!
(Thank you.)LOL @ the Mavericks smiling. Way to show concern for your boss who just went through a table. If Artest was a Mav, he'd be sitting there sipping on some Henny right now.Damn, that was almost 1 comment every 30 seconds. Do we even watch the show any more?
(Nope. Just like Vince McMahon.)Thanks for the participation as always.------Remember to check out the blog located at
johnreport.wordpress.com for updated daily content. On Wednesday at the blog I'll be posting a large batch of emails I got regarding my favorite moments in wrestling history column from last week. If you follow me on Twitter at Twitter.com/johnreport
you can get the blog posts directly. It's just that easy. Plus, on my Twitter page you can see me suck up to wrestlers (like MJC) or other celebrities as I try to get my one liners in there in under 140 characters or less. I am getting the hang of it.See you on the weekend for the Talking Smack column as well as a quick TLC PPV preview. For the big Raw matches I'm going with Cena and DX, for the record.Thanks for reading.John Canton - email@example.com
Check out the blog at:
johnreport.wordpress.comAdd me on Facebook at Facebook.com/thejohnreport
and Twitter at Twitter.com/johnreport
Visit My Archives
to view ten years of The John Report columns.