The John Report: The Raw Deal for 12/14/09 (The Slammy Awards)Welcome to the Raw Deal. This was a three hour edition that felt like about six hours due to the some of the content on the show. Let's just say WWE has had finer moments than the 2009 Slammy Awards.I've done a lot of writing over the past week. My tank is nearly on empty, but I'll hammer this Raw Deal out for you guys just as I always do.-------------Live from Corpus Christi, Texas this is the Raw Deal…Nice video package to start. I think the video production team deserves a Slammy for their consistently awesome work. You know else I really like? The voiceover guy. What a way to make a living. The announcers for the night were Cole, Striker and Lawler, which made for an entertaining trio actually. I like that Striker supports some of the heels. We learned we'd get a mini tournament with Orton vs. Undertaker and Cena vs. Punk. The winners would face off in the main event to determine Superstar of the Year.<!--more-->The guest host, comedian Dennis Miller, was introduced and put on the stage at the right under the giant Slammy Award figurines that were there. I like Miller most of the time, but going in I thought a lot of his jokes would go way over the head of WWE's audience. After his first joke, which wasn't really that good, that became obvious. They did some sight gags, putting up faces of political figures like Dick Cheney on HBK's body. He plugged his charity, USA Cares, which is why he was there. Good for him. I've supported quite a few charities in my life and over the next week I'll do my share again.Tag Team of the Year Slammy goes to JerishowThe first Slammy is for Tag Team of the Year. Jillian and R-Truth come out to present. She starts singing, Truth changes his lyrics to "shut up" instead of "what's up" and we get the video package to see the nominees as: DX, Legacy, Hart Dynasty and Jerishow (with a Jeri-Show graphic). I wonder who came up with that name? Oh right, I did. Jerishow won. They challenged DX to a match later in the night for the tag titles. Jericho thanked Edge for getting hurt (that's the 2010 feud of the year most likely) and himself for being smart enough to pick Big Show as his partner. Show was great when he said they were going to retain the titles, realized he fucked up and Chris corrected him by saying "regain" for him. Then Show laughed, saying "he's the smart one." That was good. The big man is pretty funny.Christian, The Great Khali & Kane d. William Regal, Vladimir Kozlov & Ezekiel JacksonChristian called Regal "Bill" on his way to the ring. That was the best part of this. Christian mentioned his partners had history in the past, but they put that aside. I wish I could forget the two months of torment we got in the Kane/Khali feud. Kane beat the shit out of him, put him on the shelf for a couple of months (Khali had knee surgery) and now he's back without a mention of it. Go logic. Anyway, Kozlov did a blind tag to Zeke and got KO'd from a Khali chop. It's not a KTFO because it's only a chop.Breakout Star of the Year Slammy goes to SheamusMiller came out, called him the "Big" Great Khali. He's so amazing he has two adjectives in his name. He did a joke about hanging around with them and comparing it to Michael Moore. Mild laughs again. Teddy Long and Tiffany came out to present the award. Tiffany looked fantastic in a long red dress with her chesticles in full effect. The nominees were McIntyre, Tatsu, Sheamus and Washington. Sheamus won of course. He cut an "I told you so" type of promo while smiling with the belt. The promo was fine. He drew plenty of boos.Cody Rhodes & Ted Dibiase d. Kofi Kingston & Evan Bourne (**)It started out as "no gimmick needed" Cody Rhodes (in other words they can't think of a gimmick for him) against Kofi, but a minute into that Dibiase interfered. Bourne saved Kofi, so it turned into a tag match with Kobe Johnson and Evan Braun against Legacy. Miller restarted it by saying, "Al Sharpton, Jeremy Piven, Suck it! Ring the bell!" See, that was funny. Of course, as soon as Bourne entered the match you knew he was losing. This is why he won the fan vote Mr. Perfect Johnny Award for being the most poorly used performer of the year (I picked Hart Dynasty with Bourne as my runner up). Rhodes won clean with his Cross Rhodes. They cannot let this Kofi/Orton feud simmer. He needs to be focused on more than this.Shocker of the Year Slammy goes to CM Punk retiring Jeff HardyMiller celebrated the cheer he got when he said "Suck It!" I think it was at this point he realized he was out of place in terms of being at a WWE show. The award was presented by Santino and Vickie with the nominees being Orton's DDT on Stephanie, Batista turning on Rey, Sheamus putting Cuban through the table and CM Punk retiring Hardy. It's disappointing that this was all the Santino we got and it wasn't even funny. I had predicted Batista for the win here, but they gave it to Punk.They went to commercial. Punk was in ring, he cut his promo without Luke Gallows by his side. The promo was about how he won the World Title twice (also lost it twice), won Money in the Bank and told people about the Straight Edge lifestyle. He was my #2 Wrestler of the Year behind Jericho. He had a great year.John Cena d. CM Punk (*)This didn't even get two minutes. They put over how angry was, so he went into his Incredible Hulk SMASH mode by destroying Punk rather quickly. He won via tapout with the STF.Post match, Cena cut a promo. There was some chick screaming every five seconds. It was worse than the usual screams. It was so damn annoying. I feel so sorry for anybody sitting near her. The promo was an emotional one with Cena busting out a serious tone the whole way. He talked about how hard it was emotionally, said he gave it his all and he lost. He wants his fans to still be behind him. He knows the haters are there (even pointing out some heckler in the first row), but he won't let them get to him. He said what happened at TLC won't happen again. What? He won't lose the title again? This would have been way more effective if the title wasn't booked so poorly in 2009. I am sure the Cena haters were going nuts about all this calling it the worst promo. Me? I don't mind. A little too kid friendly, but that's what WWE is right now. It's better than his cheesy "be quiet for a bit and then erupt like a volcano" routine. At the end of it he made a "headline" for WWE.com saying: "I will not lose another match again until I become WWE champion." It felt like he was going to say if he lost another match he'd quit or something like that. Doesn't he get a title shot anytime he wants due to the rematch clause? Who knows? I have a feeling that this statement will hold true as opposed to Jack Swagger's one about not losing again in 2009 and then losing repeatedly afterwards. Just a hunch. I just went to WWE.com. There's no headline there. Way to screw him, Joey Styles (he runs WWE.com).Match of the Year Slammy goes to Michaels/Undertaker @ WrestleManiaMiller introduced "The Show" Triple H. Catchy name, eh Game? Hunter laughed at the fuck up, then thanked Dennis Milburn. It went to Michaels/Undertaker of course. The other nominees weren't even among the five best matches of the year although they did pick the best of the Orton/Cena matches. Michaels came out and got the award even though he lost the match. That's like giving the Super Bowl trophy to the losing team. He thanked us for the support. Then, for the first time since August, he became serious and said: "Undertaker, I can beat you." He said he knows it and so does Undertaker. "You and me, WrestleMania, one more time." I doubt they would have him say that on TV without doing the match now. Then again, they had something similar with Hogan talking to Austin a few years back.That History of the World Championship DVD looks nice. No Steiner vs. HHH matches, I hope.Randy Orton d. The Undertaker (*)Three minutes. No, not the entrances. The match. Undertaker came out, beat on Orton for a bit and then Legacy came out to distract him. Orton then followed him out to the floor and hit a RKO on the floor. He snuck back into the ring while the Undertaker never made it back in. Orton won via countout in only three minutes. How many times has Undertaker lost a match that quickly? Pretty rare. To get his heat back, he beat Legacy up and gave Orton a chokeslam. Orton vs. Cena in the main event.Best Guest Host Slammy to Bob BarkerMiller brought Vince McMahon out and said Vince tried to give him comedy tips. I bet that midgets and dancing pecs were a big part of those tips. Vince threw history out the window by saying the Guest Host idea was his. Technically it is, but storyline was it was Trump's. Who needs logic? Also, you could tell he was pissed at how quiet the crowd was. Maybe the show sucked, Vince. No, it couldn't be that. I'm sure all his yes-men are telling him it was the crowd's fault. Bob Barker beat out Shaq, Seth Green and the Osbournes. Shaq was my number one with Barker in second, so I'm fine with that. Bob did a video promo thanking us, saying he enjoyed his time and ended it with a "go for it." I love old people.The interesting thing was after this ended Vince asked Miller who he wants to guest host. "Bret Hart." Crowd goes nuts. I guess there are some adults there. The announcers sold it like it was a surprise to Vince, which of course it was not. Vince said the last time Bret was there he screwed himself. Way to put over Bret's 45 minute Hall of Fame induction ceremony a few years ago. Good to know you think the HOF is bullshit like most of us do. Vince walked off pissed. I listened to Dave Meltzer's Wrestling Observer audio show after Raw. He's close with Bret. He suggested that some kind of deal has been made. Let the rumors of Bret Hart hosting Raw on January 4th begin, as well as a possible WrestleMania appearance. There was talk a few months ago that he was willing to come back in some capacity. I hope it happens. Like with the HBK/Taker thing, I doubt they'd mention it on TV unless it is going to happen.Backstage, Miller and Jericho had a verbal spat with Jericho thanking him for not ripping him, which Miller then proceeded to do. He even threw in his patented "I don't want to go on a rant" here routine. It was okay. Could have been better.Jerishow d. DX via DQ meaning Jericho is off RawThis got a lot of hype. It was a comedy angle. Michaels went on all fours, Hunter shoved the ref and they got DQ'd. That means they retain the title and apparently Jericho doesn't get another match. Is that logical? I guess…if you're reaching. Post match, DX brought out babyfaces from Raw (and other shows) in DX gear to escort Jericho off of Raw…until the next three hour show. This was fun. I'll definitely miss Jericho on both shows, though. Great run for Jerishow.Extreme Moment of the Year Slammy to Jeff HardyMasters, Carlito and Eve presented this. Every time Carlito said a word Masters made a pec dance. Jeff Hardy's ladder spot at Summerslam (the third best match of the year to me) won. Matt Hardy came out. Carlito questioned why he won, then decked him. He took the award and thanked himself. Masters put him in the Masterlock, then Hardy knocked him down with a punch. He left with the Slammy even though he feuded with his brother for months. I know they made up. I'm hoping that Jeff Hardy being a part of two awards leads to a return in 2010 hopefully for Mania because they're hurting on the babyface side. He was the best babyface when he left.Yoshi Tatsu, John Morrison & Mark Henry d. Zack Ryder, The Miz & Drew McIntyre (*1/4)I wonder if people watching had any idea who Tatsu or Ryder were. The highlight of this match was Striker dropping the Kool-Aid name (another thing I say all the time) on Henry. The intros got more time than the two minute match. Tatsu KO'd Ryder with a kick to the head. The finish made me say, "that's it?"The Babyface Divas d. The Heel Divas (1/4*)Not much of a match. They were all in evening gowns. I assume management isn't thrilled with Mickie signing her country music deal because they seemed to bury her by having Striker say (after putting over the other dresses) he thought Mickie got her dress from TJ Maxx. That's a dig, not a compliment. God forbid somebody tries to have a life outside WWE. It's foolish to bury a babyface like that, especially one that works as hard as she does. I know that comes across as me sucking up, but really I'm just speaking the truth here. Yes, I think she's beautiful and talented. She's also a considerate person that goes out of her way to be thankful for the fans she has. She didn't have to reply to me about winning an award for my column, but she did. A little thing like taking a minute of your day to do that goes a long way with your fans. Maybe I'm overreacting. It just bothered me, that's all. Back to the match, Mickie James-Canton won with a DDT while wearing a dress. It was a very brief "match" if you can call it that.Diva of the Year Slammy goes to MariaWith all the divas in ring (or at least most of them), they had MVP and Goldust announce the winner. Goldust's attempt at being funny drew crickets. I'm talking dead silence. Maybe that was the point since he walked off. The winner of the year was Maria. They said it was fan voting, but it's probably not a coincidence that the winner is the one that will be on Celebrity Apprentice (on NBC, which owns USA, which Raw is on) in the new year. I've got no problem with a fellow Greek like Maria winning, but when you consider others like Mickie, Michelle, Melina and Maryse had title reigns during the year while Maria had a terrible storyline with Dolph Ziggler (remember him?) it seems fishy to me. That paragraph was way too longer than it needed to be, by the way.The "OH MY" Moment Slammy or whatever it's called to Michael ColeThe trio of Washington, Atlas and Big Dick Johnson presented this. Can somebody explain to me how blood is offensive, but having an oiled up fat dude that's barely clothed isn't offensive? BDJ is a WWE writer in case you didn't know. I love how two of the nominees had suggestive actions like HBK kicking a little girl and Cole puking on Jericho even though neither was shown. Cole won for throwing up on Jericho. He celebrated like it was important. He was actually pretty funny in that he hugged Johnson while he didn't react to Abe or Tony. He said JR's slogans were passé and that it was the time of "VINTAGE!" (Commentfesters probably wet themselves with that) and "OH MY!" Hey Michael Cole, I'll give you vintage as being yours (your welcome for having Commentfest get that word over for you to the point that WWE makes fun of you for it), but "OH MY" belongs to the great Dick Enberg. This was either the greatest moment ever or the worst. I don't know yet.It was DX plug time with Hornswoggle. Same as always. Shawn was pretty good although he was back to playing dumb Shawn after being serious Shawn when he got the Slammy. They mocked going after Horny and it ended up with Hunter punching Shawn under the blanket when he thought it was Horny. Oh, the hilarity. Same as usual. The midget court thing is next week. I'm glad I'm taking the week off (more on that at the end.)John Cena d. Randy Orton to win the Superstar of the Year Slammy (***)I'm shocked that they mentioned during the intros that Orton is able to compete for the World Title again since Cena doesn't have it. Continuity? That's crazy! I thought the match was pretty good for the 9 minutes they got (longest match on a three hour show). I wasn't crazy about the finish because Cena hits the AA, Orton gets his foot on the rope, bails to the floor and is suddenly fresh as a daisy right after hitting his sick DDT on the floor. Is it hard to sell moves for longer than 5 seconds in 2009 WWE? Orton went for the punt, Cena moved and hit the AA for the win. He won the Slammy for Superstar of the Year even though he never got to hold it. Way to be on the ball, ringside people. To end the show he had a staredown with Sheamus.Three Stars of the Show1. Chris Jericho - Now that's off Raw they need to find a way to get him back on. Throw logic out the window. I don't care. Just get Jericho back on this show. It needs him.2. John Cena - His promo was fine. It was cheesy a bit, but fine. I liked the match with Orton.3. Shawn Michaels - I'm excited about the possible Michaels/Taker rematch, what can I say?Rating: 3 (out of 10)Last week: 5I'm anticipating that giving this show a three will lead to quite a few "I think you were way too nice" kind of comments. Frankly, in advance of those emails, I think you might be right. I don't like giving a show lower than a 3 even if it is at trainwreck at times. As much as a lot of people hate Cena (not me), I thought his promo was pretty good and the match he had with Orton was a *** match for about 10 minutes, which is a good thing. It had better timing and pacing to it than a lot of their matches. Regarding the matches, it's amazing to me that a three hour show had so many rushed ones. I think I covered everything else enough.Here's why I'm not THAT upset about this show. The last two PPVs were good. The last two couple months of Raw and Smackdown were both okay. I'm a mark for the Royal Rumble. It's my favorite match all year (aside from whatever HBK does at Mania, usually) and I look forward to that build. With over a month to go to that show, they didn't even focus on it at all. As a result we got a show without much direction or focus in terms of aiming towards the future.One other positive? They didn't embarrass Chavo. I'm happy for him. The comedy on this week's Raw was pretty brutal, though. As bad as I can remember for a WWE show and that's saying something.The two best things that came out of this show is that appears that they're going to do another Michaels vs. Undertaker match at WrestleMania 26. I think it's a good idea. They'd be smart to put it on last this time. What happened to the Cena/Undertaker plan? I guess they got something else in mind. Maybe they convinced The Rock to come in? Again, I'm guessing. Also, it appears as though Bret Hart might be coming in to be the guest host possibly on January 4th (just a guess on my part) and could possibly lead to some kind of angle going into WrestleMania. I'm very excited about both of those things.Here's the star of the night poll:------------Thoughts from the Facebook friends aka CommentFestThis will be posted tonight exclusively on my blog. My column is really long this week due to a loaded three hour show. It's hard to write about the show, plus sort through 1700 comments and post it all before I head to work in the early afternoon. When it's a two hour Raw I can handle it. It's a lot more difficult on a three hour Raw. I'll have this part posted on its own very late Tuesday evening at some point. I know a lot of you enjoy reading it and I enjoy doing it. It's just that sometimes it's hard to find the time to do all of it.You can check out the blog located at johnreport.wordpress.com for updated daily content. I post things like shorter commentaries, news & notes, random videos and whatever else is on my mind. The blog is doing really well in terms of visitors. It has definitely exceeded my expectations, which means I'll do my best to keep the content coming.Also, you need to be following me on Twitter at Twitter.com/johnreport because a certain Johnny Award winning female of the year named Mickie James is now following me there. That's pretty cool. Thanks Mickie.Next week's version of the Raw Deal is guaranteed to be short. I'll be away from home for the week (I'm moving as well as visiting family), but I'll probably catch Raw. It's just that I won't have the time to write about it in depth. My thinking is I'll just write something called "Raw in 10 minutes" and write down whatever's fresh on my mind in ten minutes. I don't think I'll have much more time than that. For Commentfest, I'll ask one of the regulars to "host it" if they want. We'll figure it out.I'm tired. Long show. I wrote two other things over the weekend and I work a lot of hours this week before getting next week off. I'll write Talking Smack on Saturday as always. Thanks for reading.John Canton - firstname.lastname@example.orgCheck out the blog at: johnreport.wordpress.comAdd me on Facebook at Facebook.com/thejohnreport and Twitter at Twitter.com/johnreportVisit My Archives to view ten years of The John Report columns.