I wrote the Raw Deal late last night, posted it at about 2am and you can read that on the blog. The link is at the right. I didn't have time to do Commentfest in the same night, so it gets its own exclusive post here on the blog. This will be my permanent routine now. It's easier for me this way.Thoughts from the Facebook friends aka CommentFestHere are some random thoughts from some of my facebook friends (just head to Facebook.com/thejohnreport
) after I asked for some comments about the show. The comments in green are from the commentfesters while the comments in the brackets are from me. We got just over just under 1400 comments this week.Ladies and Gentleman. children of all ages. ARE YOU READY??? For the best 2 hours of live internet comments assembled every week. LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLETS GET READY FOR COMMENTFEEEEEEEEEST!!!!!!To continue on my Afroman parody from last week...Verse 2 of "Because Raw Got High"!I was gonna win the Royal Rumble...but I got high.I was gonna main event WrestleMania...but I got high.Now I got eliminated by Santino, and I know why (Hey-ey!)Because I got high...because I got high...because I got high! (Was better last week, but I appreciate the effort.)<!--more-->I cant make the live showing tonight so can I add this now and hope JC will use it. Gail Kim-Hart on raw, now thats what i'm talking about. (No, this was not Bret Hart although he is on Facebook. Allegedly.)MICKIE JAMES-CANTON! (This was done pre-show, so it gets in for it's randomness.)VINTAGE MLK day video!FIREWORKS!!! YAY!!! (There was a guy that used to post on my wall all the time complaining when they didn't have fireworks to open Raw. I mocked him a bit. Now, he's not around. Fireworks guy, you had me at hello. I miss you.)I'm going to the Rumble. And the supershow the night before. I am so awesome. I hope I'll get awesome glowsticks.Starting off with the Chairman?! WOW. Maybe they are putting wrestling first tonight?! (Somebody's not straight edge.)Anyone notice Vince has worn a pink tie the past few weeks? Sending a message, I still owe you, Bret.Oh, it was a gut shot?"In the guts" LOL, pg rating. (He should have said solarplexes.)Did a 60+ year old man just call someone old?Vince puts more thought behind his promos than he does pushing younger stars.Bret would have been a disease of some kind...kind of like the disease of the NWO that Vince brought in to kill the WWE a few years ago... (Ha, remember that cheesy "poison" promo where he turns around in the chair. So lame.)8:07pm CT, and I just marked out to a gong.Hell froze over...Undertaker is working on a monday.Vince McMahon.....he's gonna screw ya! (Sing to the old Juicy Fruit jingle).I swallow my gum.If Bret Hart is an old warhorse, what does that make Undertaker?Wow the Deadman actually had a fast entrance this week must be wanting to hurry back to SmackDown before Batista gets Michelle McTaker.Vintage Douche Nozzle moment from Michael Cole at 9:08 EST: "He is indeed here" Referring to Taker as he walks out from the back.....Really> I needed to be told that? Sure to shit aint Hornswoggle walking out...Are we sure this is "live"? or did somebody play a prank on Undertaker and change all his clocks and calendars so he thinks it's actually Tuesday?? (darn you Ashton Kutcher!) (You can say damn or even curse. Commentfest is not PG like WWE.)What the hell happened to Taker's voice? (Age.)Vince is standing in the Undertaker's yard....wait it must be his cemetery since he isn't a biker we aren't supposed to remember the yard thing are we... (Nope.)I don't recall if there were any Bret/Taker feuds. (Not any major ones. I recommend Summerslam 1997 and One Night Only 1997 as good matches, though)Oh shit! Undertaker is having an American Bad Ass flashback and saying more than 4 words tonight.He also screwed Undertaker at Breaking Point. Whoops, continuity! (I guess since nobody watched that PPV we're forgetting it even happened. Maybe a good thing).Does shawn wear those neon green things so he can be seen in Death Valley? (Also in haunted houses.)Here we go, guys -- Shawn's getting his 10 minutes of being Serious Shawn out of the way now, so he can be Dumb Shawn for the rest of the show with MascotSwoggle and Hunter the McMahon Family Avenger.The ramp is on the RIGHT side of the camera tonight. Can't be a good sign. (Bizarro Raw. Too bad the booking wasn't bizarro.)Kane had 2 chances at Mania's. Why can't HBK?TAKER vs HBK 2!!! first great decision of 2010!!!OH HELL YEA OH HELL YEA MICHEALS TAKER II SWEETOh shit! Micheals/Taker 2 tonight!Goddamit, I don't want Shawn to win the Rumble for the 3rd fucking time. Someone new please...it only comes once a year. (Is it also every man for himself? Are there 30 men in the match? So many questions!)Shawn knows that they wont get enough time so he wants it at mania.TAKER IS THE CHAMPIUM!!! Hey, they are actually HYPING the Royal Rumble!!! Did Vince threaten to cut bonuses if they didn't start selling PPVs?? (Hey, he's not hyping the Rumble over the guest host though. Remember that.)If Shawn wins the title @ Mania, does that mean he switches to Smackdown? (No, the belt comes with him to Raw. They've done the show switch before while moving the belts.)He won't give shawn a chance but fought kane twice at WM in way shittier matches. Lameass.Bourne doesn't even get an entrance? This is horrible.Orton coming to back up Bourne. THE STL CONNECTION! (Ha. Go Rams.)I'm going to go out on a limb and predict evan bourne's win loss record is about to hit 0-3. (Thanks for posting, Vince McMahon.)Heel vs heel. Yeah that'll put butts in the seats. (Thanks for posting Tony Schiavone)It's sad...Bourne's "oh so close" moments just don't captivate me anymore 'cos I *know* he's gonna lose. (I felt the same way with Barry Horowitz twenty years ago, but then Barry won once and I was happy. Evan Horowitz may win once too.)CELTIC CROSS! I KNEW IT! (Thanks for posting, Finlay. We wish the name of your finishing move the best in its future endeavors.)The Celtic Cross? Isn't that Finlay's move? (Yes.)Celtic Cross! Because Finlay can go fuck himself.I bet you orton is looking at this match, screaming "stupid" inside his head. (That's good, but you should have said that the voices in his head are telling him to scream stupid.)God Randy Orton is hot. He is to women what Maryse and Mickie are to you men.... (Posted by a woman. See, I have women readers! Does that mean women love when you stare at them and not say anything? That's been my problem all these years: Talking. See that? Commentfest teaches you about relationships, people!)Three people are correct in the Celtic Cross being Finlay's finishing move. However, he hasn't been on TV in weeks, so we'll give the name to the other Irish guy.Man...Crockett got tubby.Carlito Dynamite!Oh god. Carlito Dynamite. Im drinking for that. (So is he.)Carlito is the new sight gag guy? How far has he fallen anyway? (It's not like he's ever really left jobberland.)That's not cool!I can't take it anymore... too stupid... going to bed! (Goodnight Linda McMahon. Don't worry, Vince falls asleep during hour two.)Doth Thwagger have a chanth at the Woyal Wumble?Have you seen Swagger's twitter page? Dirty f'n mind. (http://twitter.com/JackSwaggerRAW - Go there and see what he follows. Some say dirty mind. Some say healthy mind. His last message? "Ladies ladies calm down I only have 2 hands!!!" He's like Shakespeare.)30 minutes in and we've had one 1 minute match. Pure genius Vince.SANTINO FOR THE WIN FOREVER!Santino Johnson.... AWESOME!It would have been better if he went blackface and went as tubbs. (Quite a way to honor MLK, huh?)OH YEAH! KOOL AID!Kool-Aid, make Dr. King proud!OH YEAH!!!!!! Swagger's about to get a big glass of Kool-Aid!Somebody gonna get tired! Somebody gonna gas real quick!aww... Jack Swagger has been so discouraged about not being pushed that hes been eating his pain away... look at the gut hes getting!!!!Mark Henry is mad that he got called away from the buffet for shit...get him a pitcher of Grape Kool Aid (you know the strong stuff).Kelly kelly!!!????? No? Raw sucks! (Crazy Crazy, ladies and gentlemen!)Nice to see you crazy crazy! (For those wondering, this was posted by that guy who once got in trouble from his girlfriend from checking out a woman's ass on television. I don't have a name for him, maybe Whipped Whipped? We'll see.)Vintage Guest Host not knowing where the show is.My night is complete. My future ex wife #1 Brie Bella was on screen. Too bad she's with that geek.I find my choice in tivo'ing 24 and watching this very disturbing...this may change real soon. (For me it's 24 live, Raw on DVR. Go for it!)Still not as funny as when I was at a Raw taping (showing my age) and Road Dogg came out saying STATE COLLEGE. We were in Pittsburgh.I can't seem to remember, are big, strong guys at an advantage at the royal rumble? The announcers never seem to say. (I was going to write a 10,000 word column asking the same thing, but I've never been able to come up with the answer.)Did you know: we just fired the sound guys for not having the music playing in time for the Did you Know segment?Did You Know: Commentfest averages 1032 comments per session since its inception in 2009. (The number keeps going up!)We want to see some actual wrestling. (Smackdown is on Fridays. I'm one of the three people that watch it.)Omg a guest host knows some of the roster! *shocked*Thak you Heder, we do need something new, how about no guest hosts, so get out and stay out.The Miz = Jericho 2.0 (Except in the ring. By the time Jericho was his age he had dozens of great matches. Miz has a ways to go. Plus he's not Canadian, junior.)Did You Know? Don Johnson became irrelevent before 95% of the WWE Universe was born?Did he feel miz up or just kiss his ass there?Really @ 9:49. Thank you Miz.Please vince please i'm begging you. Please let somebody wrestle. (Um, Smackdown is on Fridays.)KTFO~!KTFO punch at 9:53.OMG, how long ago was Napolean Dynamite? We can't keep a storyline straight for one month, but we can call back to a movie that is 6 years old and wasn't that good anyway?Would someone cut Heder's mic? For the love of God?FRIEDNSHIP!!!! HOOOOOOOODon Johnson even knows this is an awful idea! His agent just called his cell phone and told him to GET OUT NOW! (Let's be realistic here. Don Johnson's happy he gets any work at all by this point.)John Heder is bombing, but 'Let's hear it for friendship!' is gonna be my new catch phrase.Heder is a good host...for a celebrity. He's enthusiastic and is pulling off the heel aspect nicely...and you all hated him before this anyway. (I 100% agree. The effort was there.)Coming up next..The Marine vs. The Marine 2 (Except people will actually watch this.)F is for Friends! U is for Unity! C is for Caring! K is for Kindness! FUCK HEDER! The Big Shiz! NEW TEAM!Let's hear it for friendship < Go for it. (Obviously.)Tooth Fairy.. Rock has lost his strudel. (For $15 million or whatever the hell he gets you'd wear a fairy dress too.)Miz can never replace Jericho. (This is not the most accurate statement in the history of Commentfest - anything about MJC and I wins that distinction - but it's in the top five.)We're about to cross the 5 minute mark of total actual wrestling action tonight...get ready! /hour into show.Tubbs just called and said "yeah well at least I'm not on Raw." (Ha!)DID LAWLER JUST SAY RANDY SAVAGE?!VINTAGE RANDY SAVAGE REFERENCE!Randy Savage!!!! back on raw!Randy Savage? VINTAGE freudian slip!Lawler is gonna get it when he goes to the back...Savage comment...not only will Orton call him STUPID but Vince is gonna PUT HIM DOWN.I hear voices in my head,They say, "Snap into a Slim Jim",They talk to me! (Oooh yeah!)King got awfully quiet after that slip, i don't envy kings ear at the moment, vince probably sounds like he is giving birth. (Look at all the material from one slippage? And I could have put way more in.)Every time Cole throws it to commercial it reminds of how the old Batman 60's show used to end. WILL CENA FIND A WAY TO GET OUT ALIVE FIND OUT NEXT WEEK.Awesome. Someone no sold the worst move since the People's Elbow...and still lost.Wait what Kobe Johnston won? What the hell kind of bizarro world are we living in?So let's see... a tag team that has been solid for a couple years lose to a pair of single wrestlers... yep, sounds like the Double Double E....Wow Lawler and Cole, good job putting over Legacy fighting with each other... (Now you probably think the Royal Rumble ISN'T every man for himself when in fact it is.)Remember when Triple H was verbally berating Booker T, Invading Randy's home, practically killing HBK and Cactus Jack? well, that same guy just went Kindergarten on Miz's ass!Triple H is one heck of a guy. He's married to the boss's daughter, he's a multi-time champion, he's the avenger of the McMahon family, and he translates midget speak...what a guy.Well Triple H it would be a six man tag match but you see...ONE OF THEM IS A FUCKING MIDGET! A FUCKING MIDGET WHO'S PROBABLY GONNA END UP GETTING THE WIN. (And it happened.)Ok women are wrestling so Ill be back in about 5 min so I dont get bitched at. (See, that's the WHIPPED WHIPPED guy!)Historic! I'm done with Historic shows, every freaking show is Historic!Gail Kim is wrestling? What the hell is this?Alicia Fox just scalped a whole bunch of clydesdales.PHANTOM DROP KICK /FAILOh no Booker Fox may have pulled a hamstring, only to no-sell it and sprint across the ring and flip around! (She can plan your wedding too.)Eve and Alicia Fox were in different zip codes when that dropkick "connected."WORST DROPKICK EVER (Thanks for posting Comic Book Guy).I know I'm new here but I been jonesing EVE since second round of diva search...so I place my official bid...the fact that she is gettin better in the ring and making bitches tap..is just icing. (Welcome new guy.)King...soul searching? Why is it forbidden to say she had an injury? What the fuck?Oh look... another main event with a guest host... WWE is becoming more predictable than the number of Mickie James-Canton references on commentfest... (There were only two this weeks. You guys are slipping. I'm so disappointed.)Hey crazy crazy! Kelly Kelly was on for 5 sec! (See, the Whipped guy looking out for his boy again. I make friends via commentfest. I'm like the Oprah except I'm a dude, not fat, not rich and the only time I make women scream is when I ask them how they're doing.)Omg!!! Kelly Kelly!!!! Woooooooo!!!! (There he is.)The FLAME!!! that fucking rules...Show is awesome...NO ONE CAN EXTINGUISH THE FLAME!!!You lie, Big show. I saw you after Jericho was kicked off of RAW. You wouldn't leave your house. You ate a Dairy Queen out of business. Admit it, you MISS him!Cole -- "Well, he's Jon HEATER! Get it? Heater?"Myself -- ...*head-hits-desk* (again)Genetic jackhammer meets the guy who honestly works at the same gym as Mark McGwire... segment is a winner... (HHH is clean like McGwire. Just look at him in 1997 and now. Same guy. Really.)HHH says all the McMahon's have gotta have the last word...sounds like someone doesn't win arguments with the mrs. ;) (If I married a filthy rich woman she'd always have the last word too. Somebody tell MJC.)Shawn Michaels is such a great wrestler that Hornswoggle has to use a stepladder to get at his level of greatness...Sorry Chris Masters but you still are going to be in jobberland aka the RAW locker room.<font color=greenChris Masters formidable? Did we forget he is facing Orton and not Carlito?BACKNE! Show Sheamus's backne again! I love big, ghostly white guys with lots of backne! Show that camera angle again!Apparently the King lacks that memory of John Cena breaking out of it more than once... or twice... or three times...OUT OF NOWHERE! 10:46 PM EST!Even the music guy knew Orton was going to win... they started to play the music before he even got up from the pin... by the way Randy Orton, you just KTFO!!! (It's like there's a script or something.)Stop Vince STOP!!! The guest hosts are NOT attracting viewers!!! Us WRESTLING FANS do NOT want to see terrible actors or celebrities with garbage to promote guest hosting Raw!!! Bring back old wrestlers to host, or just make a damn General manager already!! ENOUGH!!! (Thanks for posting, Mike Adamle. We don't miss you.)Hailing from the Great ball of fire!!! LMAOARE YOU READY!!! I SAID ARE YOU READY???? FOR GLOWSTICK CRACKEN...SKIP AROUND AND AROUND THE RING ACTION....WHERE HHH WON'T SELL AND SHAWN WILL LOOK LIKE HE HAS BEEN THROUGH HELL...DON'T FORGET THE TADPOLE SPLASH...AND DX BEANIES/HATS....SO I ASK AGAIN ARE YOU READY!!!!YES I'M READY!!! GLOWSTICKS OUT.... ARMS RAISED IN AN X FORMATION.... DICK JOKES A 13 YEAR OLD LAUGHS AT BUT CAN'T BECAUSE ITS PG PROGRAMMING.... AN INCOHERENT MIDGET SCREAMING AT ME WEARING AN ARMY HELMET WHILE CROTCH CHOPPING.... YES I AM READY!!! (I believe you.)VINTAGE SHAWN MICHAELS! 10:58 PM EST!VINTAGE 2059 Mountain time!Vintage Shawn Micheals @ 9:59cst back from a commercial break and not a moment too soon! (See that? Spanning three time zones!)Commentfesters should be one of the stars of the night. (If I see a sign on Raw promoting my work then they do.)How is King surprised that the guest host is in a match? It's happened several times already. Like that time when Maria Menounos wrestled. Damn that was a great Raw.How is Miz bullying Hornswoggle by clotheslining him when he is a participant in a 6 man tag match????Who dressed Heder, Cody Rhodes?God, Im glad this is over. (Thanks for posting...um...95% of the viewing audience?)Let's make it official right now -- regions of Parts Unknown: The Bottomless Pit (the Boogeyman), The Edge of Sanity (Delirious), Dante's Inferno (MsChif), Death Valley (The Undertaker), The Bowery (Raven), The Deepest Darkest Corner of Dustin Rhodes' Mind (Black Reign), The Deep Blue Sea (Shark Boy), Metropolis (Chris Hero), and now...The Great Ball of Fire, home of THE FLAME! (Yep, same guy that did the Afroman songs. Not a shock, right?)11:03pm and total actual wrestling for the night was.... A WHOPPING 25 min!!!!!! Sad just sad. (Raw just Raw.)Oh yea it was getting heated, HHH was speaking calmly and waiting for Cena to come out.... VERY heated.Big Show- hold on guys let me catch my breath...ok I'm gonna win it.Does anyone see that THE MIZ is still laying outside the ring unconscious? He's selling that superkick LIKE A CHAMP! (Or like a midcarder that has no chance of winning the Rumble.)Oh and by the way they never officially said who was in the limo. (That would be The Miz, at least from the insinuation.)If John gives this show a 3 he's being generous.Entrant # 30 in the Royal Rumble.... John Canton-James!!!! (I'd rather ref the women's title match and be really biased.)My very first Commentfest! Had a blast! (Thanks for posting, Shane McMahon. Tough economy out there, eh?)But wait, there's more!I decided to open up the comments to my followers on Twitter. I should point out that I had facebook before Twitter and I'm at over 1,400 facebook friends while I'm almost at 600 Twitter followers. Their comments will be in blue. Keep in mind that you've only got 140 characters or less on Twitter, so you have to be creative with your usage. Head to twitter.com/johnreport
to join in on the fun.5 1/2 man tag announced for RAW! Orton,Dibiase, and Rhodes vs HHH, HBK, and Hornswoggle. (Got 2.5 right!)Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, WWE proudly brings to you, two irrelevent stars and a midget!!! Downing a can of Monster each time cole says VINTAGE or anything else stupid. I'm prepared to be bouncing off the walls tonight.HBK, Bret Hart, HHH, Vince, King..Undertaker...Its 1995 all over again! Vintage Time travel!Taker does GREAT promos when he doesn't sound like a horror movie character.Alright, Evan Bourne in another match where you know he's not gonna win. At least they gave him some good spots.Oh no, the lights just went out! Undertaker's here. Good thing we were ready and have all of these glowsticks! (Yes, good thing indeed.)You can tell that Vince is racist because MVP got knocked the fuck out on MLK day!So, Jerry Lawler just called Randy Orton "Randy Savage"...Someone just got fired. (Thanks for posting Vince...)Whoever put Heder's robe together should be fired for adding an "F" in front of "LAME."Seeing HHH give Hornswoggle a piggy back ride puts butts in the seats!I have a dream that one day Hornswoggle and the PG rating will be gone from WWE!!! (Thanks for posting angry attitude era fan.)Its 10:40 EST...MY Prediction. DX is winning.... (You so crazy.)Weeeeeeeeeeeeeell its the miz show! and my first time on the commentfest! (You're in due to the excitement level.)Randy Savage huh? Do he hear voices in his head as well??? (I would say yes. Ever hear "Be A Man?")That's it. It was second week for the Twitterfesters. They're learning.Mondays and Tuesdays are a killer for me. Work in the afternoon into the early evening. I'm dead tired by that point. Have a good rest of the week.Thanks to Steve Thewissen for that banner. Here's a message/plug from him: "It would be very cool if you could plug the Dutch wrestling community/forum that I moderate. It’s been up for over 8 years now and handles everything wrestling related for all Dutch speaking people (which includes the Belgians). The URL is www.wweholland.nl and it’s, how appropriate, called WWE Holland. We’re pretty up to speed with what happens in WWE." Done.